Mom (Me): Good morning Twyla.

Twyla (The Parent): Hello Daphne… Come to check on me?

Mom: Yeah, I thought I’d stop by to see how you’re doing. How’s your search for a unique identity going?

Twyla (disappointed): It’s going. I keep trying to feel for who I am, but I keep getting hung up on my relationship with my child. I suppose that’s to be expected as The Parent and all.

Mom (hopeful): Is there something specific that’s tripping you up? Maybe we can work through it together.

Twyla (darkly): It’s just that my experience and theirs feel so similar sometimes. I see them dig in their heels over something or another, wanting to get their way, and I feel myself digging my heels in because I feel like they ignored me…

Mom (gentle): They’re a kid though, it’s basically their job to push boundaries. They aren’t being malicious, they’re just learning.

Twyla: I know that intellectually, but it’s really difficult to remember it in the moment. I know the way I’m acting isn’t helpful, but I can’t figure out a way to resolve our impasse. It’s really frustrating, and…

(Twyla trails off without finishing her sentence. I prompt her to continue.)

Mom: And?

Twyla: It feels the same, you know? It feels like their struggle is the same as mine.

Mom (frowning): Could you elaborate on that a little?

Twyla (struggling): It’s just… It feels like we both know that digging our heels in and not budging an inch is counterproductive. But we both feel compelled to do it anyway, like we’re fighting the same urge in our minds.

Mom (hesitant): That… Sounds like demand avoidance.

Twyla: What’s demand avoidance?

Mom: This is oversimplifying a bit, but it’s a condition where a person can’t do what someone asks or tells them to do… They’re avoiding the other person’s demand. Being asked or told makes them feel like they’re being forced to do something, which feels like a loss of agency or identity. So they struggle to find a way to avoid the demand that was just placed on them, even if it’s something that would benefit them or something they’d ordinarily want to do.

Twyla: That sounds challenging.

Mom: It can be, but keep in mind that there’s often more nuance in how demand avoidance presents. It can manifest as a person refusing to do something until they understand why it’s happening, for example. Sometimes our child refuses to clean their room… We can tell them to clean their room, we can ask them politely to clean their room, but they’ll pout and drag their feet all day.

Twyla (exasperated): Tell me about it… Getting them to do it feels like pulling teeth.

Mom: It does, though helping them clean it can hasten the process.

Twyla (annoyed): But it’s their mess! It should be their responsibility; I shouldn’t have to help!

Mom (calm): Try not to get too hung up on this example… I’m just trying to present an alternative. Have you noticed that when we can convince them it’s a good idea to clean their room—because they need to make space to play with something they’re interested in, say—they do it happily and efficiently?

Twyla: I have noticed that. So once they’ve bought in, they’ll do it… It’s like the idea has to come from their own head.

Mom: That’s a good approximation, I think. The idea has to feel comfortable in their head, at least.

Twyla (distant): Gosh that feels familiar.

Mom: I’m not surprised; did you notice you dropped a couple of “should”s back there?

Twyla (surprised): Wait, I did?

Mom: You said cleaning your child’s room should be their responsibility.

Twyla (indignant): I did, didn’t I… But shouldn’t it? They made the mess!

Mom: Granted, but what do you gain by withholding support?

Twyla: That teaches our child consequences! They’re responsible for their actions!

Mom: Setting aside whether or not they can receive that lesson at the age of 3 or 4, does it actually teach them consequences or does it show them that you’re not willing to help them when they feel overwhelmed?

(Twyla stands stunned, not knowing how to respond. I let the silence hang in the air for a few moments before continuing on.)

Mom (gently): I’m not trying to rub your nose in the way you approached this situation. You did the best you could at the time. In a way, I suppose it shows that you’re right… It does feel like there might be some similarity between our child’s thinking and our own..

Twyla: It does, and I know it’s not a “but everyone thinks like that” thing because our partner doesn’t seem to be wired that way. Sometimes she says things to our kid that makes us think “oh wow, I wouldn’t have said that; that’s going to make them angry” and sure enough, my child loses their temper at what our partner said. It’s like we’re on the same brain wavelength, but our partner isn’t.

Mom: It kind of feels like we have a rulebook in our head for how to interact with our kid and our partner hasn’t read it.

Twyla (excited): Exactly! That’s exactly it. So I want to help them with this, you know? They seem to struggle in the same ways that I do, so if I figure out how to manage myself in those situations I can teach my child how to do it too. Since my partner doesn’t seem to be on this wavelength with us, it’s something I’m going to have to do on my own.

Mom (reserved): I remember thinking that… I remember thinking that way for a long time.

Twyla: But you don’t anymore. Our child isn’t like us after all?

Mom: It’s not that… We can’t know what’s inside our child’s head.

Twyla: I know we can’t know exactly, but…

Mom (interrupting): But we know what’s inside our head.

(Twyla doesn’t respond right away, so I give Twyla a pointed look.)

Mom: I think you know where I’m going with this.

Twyla: (uneasy): You think… We’re the problem?

Mom (firm): We’re not a problem. But we do struggle with things. We have for a long time.

Twyla: I mean… We know we don’t really think the way everyone else does. Even Kay suspected as much. Everyone’s unique.

Mom: Everyone’s unique, but some people seem to be more unique than others.

Twyla: What does that mean?

Mom: It means we should dig a little deeper. You may not know this, but now that we hang out in trans spaces, we encounter a lot of neurodiverse people, and our child isn’t the only one who seems to think in a familiar way.

Twyla (defiant): It makes sense that you’d think similarly to other trans women. It doesn’t mean that we’re neurodiverse, or that we’re impaired in any way. It just makes us different.

Mom: All I’m saying is that we should follow this line of inquiry and see where it leads us. We’ll do it together, okay? Maybe we can even get some of your younger sisters involved. Kay had an inkling of this way back when, after all.

Twyla (hesitant): Okay… We can try. I’m willing to try.

Mom: That’s all I ask.