Family of Me

by Daphne
Updates Mondays and Fridays

Scene 5: Not Just A Fetish

College Me: Uh… Hey, Mom?

Present Me: “Mom” is going to feel weird once I start manifesting older versions of myself. Not hanging out with your little sister today?

College: No… I wanted to talk to you in private.

Present: I think I see where this is going. What’s on your mind?

College: It’s… It’s about that… “fetish”.

Present: Of course it is. What about it?

College (embarrassed): It’s… A bit broader than just being a girl.

Present: Yes, I remember.

College: You told me that wanting to be a girl wasn’t just a fetish. And it isn’t! I’m a girl now and it’s amazing! But if that wasn’t just a transformation fetish, then…

Present: You want to know if there’s something more to it… Or if it means there’s something wrong with you.

College (panicked): I mean, if it’s not hurting anybody it should be okay right? A transformation fetish isn’t so bad, even if it sometimes includes… Other stuff?

Present: That “transformation fetish” doesn’t really stick with us. That was our mind trying to reconcile with being trans. Now that we’ve transitioned, transformation content doesn’t really get us going… Not by itself, anyway.

College: So I’m normal after all?

Present: I don’t like the word “normal” — it implies the existence of an “abnormal”. I try to use “normative” instead, which means “within the expected range” and doesn’t include a value judgement. And yes, you’re a normative trans woman.

College: That’s a relief! It’ll feel great to finally talk to people about sex stuff.

Present (nervous): Yeah… About that…

College: We do talk to people about sex stuff, right?

Present: Not really, no. It’s risky, you know? I’m perceived as a woman, so I’m under more scrutiny now. Besides, I’m married, and I’m not looking for new partners. And I don’t… I don’t want people to think I’m weird.

College: You don’t… We still have that same anxiety?!

Present (embarrassed): Yeah.

College (upset): You’re future me! You’re supposed to have this figured out!

Present: I’m working on it! It’s hard, okay? For a long time the only reliable way we could connect with our femininity was in the context of sexual fantasy. And we didn’t think we could ever tell anyone about that. You buried those feelings, remember?

College: Don’t blame me! You’ve had decades to dig them out!

Present (tearful): I spent year after year burying those emotions deeper and deeper. By some miracle I managed to extract my womanhood from it, but the rest is still buried, waiting for me to dig it up and sort through it.

College: So… Are we just… Stuck sexually?

Present: No! No, thank goodness. I finally feel at home in myself, and with my new emotional tools, I can actually dig through that pile now. For the first time, I actually have real hope! But… It’s a slow process. Things are certainly better than they were, and I’m sure we’ll have a healthy, confident relationship with our sexuality someday, but that day is not today.

(College Daphne approaches and hugs me.)

College: I’m really sorry, Mom. It’s not your fault; I know you’re doing your best.

(Crying, I hug College Daphne back.)

Present: Thanks Daphne. We’ll get there; I promise.